Are you a crier? If so, never apologise for your tears. I’ve cried a river in my lifetime long, winding, and relentless. As a child, I fought hard not to cry. With three older brothers who mocked me for any sign of weakness, even welling up invited teasing. I learned early to suppress my emotions, holding back my tears. Refusing to give my family the satisfaction of seeing me upset. In our home, crying was a sign of weakness there was no space for emotions.

But holding it in came at a cost. I grew into an angry, insecure child, hiding behind defense mechanisms to shield myself from pain.

Then, at 11yrs old, I could no longer hold back. My father was diagnosed with motor neuron disease (ALS). I watched him deteriorate from a strong, protective man to a frail shadow of himself. Within a year, he went from stumbling to using crutches, to crawling on the floor just to change the TV channel, too proud to ask for help. As the disease progressed he reached a stage whereby he could no longer cut his food, lift a full cup of tea to his mouth, or use the bathroom alone. My dad passed away at the age of 47, leaving my mum, my three brothers and me, I was 13 years old.

He was my safe haven, the only one who truly saw and heard me. And just like that, he was gone.

His death shattered me, I was lost. Everything in the family and household just seemed to carry on, life continued. We seldom spoke about my dads death, or his time with us in our lives. I think for the pain for my mum was simply too overbearing, she coped the best she could. No bereavement counselling, no hugs of safety, words of comfort.

From then on, years of overreacting, people-pleasing, drowning in untamed emotions of loss, abandonment issues, much anger and an abundance of insecurities followed. I have often found myself crying till exhaustion. I have fallen into the trap of victimhood, before I even knew what it meant. It took years of self-work including conscious connected breathing, Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT), soul-searching, running, and reading to regulate and integrate my central nervous system, to reach an understanding of the depths of my emotional instability and be kinder to myself. I reconnected with my inner child, so she can feel safe again.

I cry if I have the truly have the need to cry, I truly feel it completely, I try not to dwell on it, then I get back up and keep moving to make sure it does not become my home.

My emotional journey has shaped me, making me stronger, more intuitive, and more resilient. I embrace my emotions now, joy, sorrow, heartache, and love which all expanding my capacity for life.

This is just the beginning, of snippets of my life, in honour of a man I never truly got to know, yet who loved me, protected me, and told me, “Anything is possible.”

That was my dad.